so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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