Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Randomize
