I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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