I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
my poor anus
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
