Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
