Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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