worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
