There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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