That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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