party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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