This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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