I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
