Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
