the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
