I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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