seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
