if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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