Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
