I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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