Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
