He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
