Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
