just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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