Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Randomize
