Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
