meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
