He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
