Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
