i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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