birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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