Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Randomize
