There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
did i walk over a car last night?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
