My nipple is on Facebook.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
