i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
