Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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