This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
