batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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