then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
