Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
