We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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