I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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