Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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