It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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