U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
