So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Two words: nipple clamps
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