Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
