wrigley field is MILF paradise
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
