the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
