Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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