Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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