His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
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Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
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