We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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