I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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