I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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