Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
