Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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