he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
